Part 4: Episode IV: The Village was Set in 2004. That was the Twist

Welcome back, folks. When last we left our homicidal hero, he was fumbling with a new magazine as a sickly middle aged woman with a knife stalked towards him.

Forget about that for a bit. We have other issues to attend to in the meantime:
Sub-scenarios withheld to make ports more appealing.

Separate Ways is a sub-scenario starring Ada Wong, Leon's sidekick from Resident Evil 2. Yes, despite apparently dying by either a fall from several stories down a needlessly deep laboratory shaft or alternatively getting gored on machinery by a Tyrant; she somehow lives, manages to provide Leon/Claire with a rocket launcher during a climatic boss fight, and escape from a facility which was in the middle of exploding, though not by means of the only available exit.

How she's still alive is never addressed or even acknowledged. So don't ask. Last time people asked about resurrections we got nothing short of retarded as an answer (which will come up in a minute...)

The last we saw of her whatsoever was again, an epilogue in Resident Evil 3. As follows:

No, she's still called Ada Wong. Remember, we're ignoring all outstanding plot points. Anyhow, her scenario runs parallel to Leon's for the most part. She basically Forest Gumps her way through the game while Leon is off elsewhere doing other stuff. She also has a series of reports, given after each mission which flesh out what happened in the game a bit and foreshadow a few things in the sequel. But, we'll save those for the end, as they're all spoilerific.

Well, there's your basic primer. Don't say I've never done anything for you.

Ada narrates until otherwise noted

You've taken a mission to get close to an objective? This is just crazy talk, woman.

I don't know if that's the best way to go about gaining a man's attention. But, more power to ya.

Meanwhile, Dr. Claw curses Gadget from his secret volcano lair.

Still not in Spain. No, sir. Not Spain. (Note: The developers insisted the game took place "in a remote part of Europe" that is not Spain. I'm not just going with an off running joke. Well, I am now. But it has real basis.)

*
*que 'Also Sprach Zarathustra'*

"I'll get you next time, Gadget!... Next time!"

(Note: A decent quality stock image of Dr. Claw's hand is surprisingly hard to come by, so I had to resort to a dirty photoshop. I also accidentally stumbled upon two things during my search. One, an accidental Deviantart search of Dr. Claw...Jesus Christ why...? Also, there's apparently enough bondage scenes in Inspector Gadget to warrant a webpage devoted to such. *salutes Internet* I needed that injection to my personal misanthropy for the day and you've delivered.)

Ahem.

Hey, all bankrupt corporations keep spy satellites. Just in case.

"ICARUS HAS FOUND YOU!!! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!"
"ICARUS HAS FOUND YOU!!! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!"
"ICARUS HAS FOUND YOU!!! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!"
"ICARUS HAS FOUND YOU!!! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!"
"ICARUS HAS FOUND YOU!!! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!"

The Dark Knight runs upon the rooftops.

Someone more pale and sickly looking than Leon? Something is wrong in this town, indeed.

Our heroine drops onto the scene.

Wearing a slinky Chinese dress and a two foot ribbon around her neck and high heel shoes, the perfect attire for a venture into rural countryside with a high risk of encounter of deranged locales who are armed for close combat with crude weaponry.

Ada whips out a spy telescope from the same dimensional pocket space Leon stores those binoculars of his.

"Dude, they're totally making it up as they go along."
"No, they know how it's going to end. All those numbers. They have to mean something, just you wait. It's deep, I'm telling you."

Ada made it just in time for this year's Burning Man.

$15.00 admission to see our burning police officer, missy. We don't appreciate walk ons.

Ada evades her attackers by slow motion flipping inbetween them

The villagers protest, claiming bullet time is a lame fad.

Ada disagrees.

The simple villagers, wary of the changing climate of the world, give into the the crushing beat of slow motion acrobatic stunts.

Unfortunately, ill practice in the stunt results in the two colliding. A tragic end, indeed. (Note: In reality, Ada uses her grappling gun to send them flying into each other after flipping, in case you're wondering. It's a bit hard to capture in screenshots.)

After that, Ada receives a call on her phone.

Albert Wesker is on the other end.

Wesker is the closest thing the series has to a running human villain. Originally, killed off by being gored by the Tyrant at the end of Resident Evil 1, he was brought back to life by a retcon only rivaled by Liquid Snake. That being, he was given a magical virus which transformed him into a super fast and strong (he literally gets a Matrix blur effect when running about) with no downsides other than giving him yellow cat eyes under his stylish shades. However, to activate this virus, he had to be brought close to death. So you see, he allowed himself to be attacked and killed by the Tyrant to fool everyone into thinking he was dead and activate this thing in him. Yes, it's all exactly as retarded as it sounds.

It should be noted, said magical virus was apparently tossed in the trash soon afterward in lieu of alternatives which turn you into hulking vagina blob mutants and compel you to stick tentacles in men's mouths to impregnate them with your mutant seed.

Resident Evil 4 is only slightly more batshit than the rest of the series.

Alright, that's the last time I get off track. I swear.

Those two you just killed may have just been getting you out of the way for that. Presumptuous harlot.

They'll think it's time for football and rush to their homes. Gets them everytime. Great at parties.

I apologize deeply if I've ruined your childhood.


Wesker hangs up Jack Bauer style without any sort of closing pleasantries. Off camera, Ada hears gunshots.

Pictured: Ada hearing gunshots.

Oh yeah, we had another protagonist kicking around earlier. Good to see he kind of made it.

Leon is once again foiled by his inability to keep track of the bullets in his gun's magazine.

Yes, Ada is apparently still pining for a guy she knew for all of about eight hours and maybe interacted with half an hour in an incident from six years ago. Hear that any desperate guys floating about? Blow off a zombie's head in front of a girl and she'll be yours for life.

Getting back to good old Leo, we return to him fleeing for his life from crazed Spaniards. Ahead, he spies something.

Leon pockets this in case he needs to unlock the restroom by inserting three of these, one raw, one hard boiled, and one scrambled, into three slots to open up the secret underground passage across a rotating bridge, which will need oil, lubricant, and a wire to activate. After that, it's just a simple matter of using the red valve to - FUCK. We forgot the red valve. Back to the item box.

Leon rounds the house, only to be met with more villagers on the other side. Some have surely followed him behind. Boxed in, he takes the only option he knows.

Kicking off the head of an unrelated third party.

This distracts the peasants long enough for Leon to find somewhere to seek refuge. Surely the town's centerpiece tower will be an easily defended spot against attackers with crude melee weapons.

Who knows if these guys can even climb ladders anyhow.

Yep. Smooth sailing hereon out. A knife to the face for anyone that dares enter Mr. Kennedy's domain. Potshots at the citizens below.

That could be trouble.

Leon panics at the site of fire...

...jumping about thirty feet down. Jesus, what's wrong with this guy?!

It ends about as well as can be expected.

Back-up arrives in the form of triplets, quintuplets, and even sextuplets of those already slain. Really unusually high rate of multiple births in this region.

Elsewhere, Ada has been extremely stealthy and managed to evade Leon's detection, despite killing scores of folks along side him with a loud pistol.

A nearby roof reveals a shiny special object of which there is no chance Ada could likely have actually seen from her perspective. Never the less.

She pulls a Batman and flings herself gracefully onto the rooftop.

"Hey, lady. Can you throw that down here? I've been looking for those all morning. I'm going to be late for work."

Luckily, there's only one locked door in town, so the random key item is quickly put to use.

Really, a bright red dress and high heels? I mean, come on.

Villainy awaits inside.

Ada blows her rape horn and quickly resolves the situation. If you don't believe that, you too are a rapist.

A close call indeed.

With that, Ada ditches Leon on the off chance ringing the church bell in about twenty minutes from now will stop the onslaught of locals. Granted, he doesn't get an axe to the forehead a pitchfork in the back, or a chainsaw lopping off his cranium in the meantime.

Tune in next time for Episode V: Stand Back, I'm a Doctor!